Recently, I went through a BREAK UP. Some of you may know, lots of you don't- Im typically a very private person but this is a subject I feel like doesn't get discussed very often because most of us are afraid of opening ourselves up to vulnerability (cough *guilty* cough). But we can't help others if we are unwilling to share what we, ourselves, go through.
-- Breaks up's suck. We know that. For everyone involved. The break-up'er, the break-up'ee, the families, the mutual friends.. its ripple effects so many people. In my case, unfortunately, I was the break-up'er. Some may think this is the better side to be on, and while I will never negate the pain of the person whose heart gets broken, I will say that hurting someone you care about is a whole other level of heartbreak and emotions in itself. -- When you fully invest yourself into a relationship with someone else, you give a part of yourself away. A soul tie. I understand why God only wanted for this to happen to us once and through the matrimony of a marriage; because if it fails, it's painful and people get hurt in the crossfires. For me, my relationship was a friendship for years before we entered into a romantic relationship. So when it came to an end, I lost not only my boyfriend but someone who was my best friend for many years of my life. After hearing stories from others, I think that's pretty common that a big part of the pain in losing your significant other is losing your person.. your confidant & the person who was in your corner. Learning to rebuild your mindset and heart after losing that is a process. Did you read that? A. Process. Healing doesn't happen over night but it DOES happen!
If I can share a tip with you here; Seek comfort in the RIGHT places. Go to the people who are going to steer you in truth and point you back in the right direction to a God honoring place.
I can say this to you all from experience because unfortunately, I will admit that the beginning stage of that process for me was not very pretty. I turned to the wrong things to find my healing and my worth. Have you ever gotten out of a long relationship and for whatever reason you feel this urge to go wild? To do all the things you "couldn't" do while you were with "the ol ball and chain"? Why do we do that?! (cue the facepalm!) I gave into the flesh before I gave into God- and oh what a downhill slope that can take you on. I was starting to lose my sense of self. Have you ever noticed how exhausting it is trying to find peace, understanding, and validation in things just of this world? SO not only had I lost my person, I was losing myself and I also lost other friends through the process. You guys know how this goes.. The classic, his side / her side split. I also recommend backing out of this one quietly. Let people's love & loyalty lie where it desires.. those who God wants in your life will be there. Yet still, the loss and hurt and judgement was condemning and painful. Did I deserve some of it? Yes. Does that make it okay or any less hurtful? NO. Luckily, it didn't take me long to pull my head out of my butt and set my sights on something higher and greater.
Then, I went through the grieving process. Not necessarily of the romantic relationship but of the loss, the shame, the hurt, the betrayals. One thing I had to do was forgive myself. Forgive myself for hurting someone and forgive myself for decisions I made in the early stage of the break up process. The release of guilt and shame. This is a very hard thing to do- because not only are we all our own worst critic but we also have the enemy who harps on it and reminds us of our transgressions and tries to make us believe that's who we are. But God's word tells us differently. If the one who is sovereign over all can forgive us, then we too have the strength to allow ourselves to release those weight baring emotions as well. I heard this quote once and it said, "if you're comparing yourself to a mistake that happened a moment ago, you're never going to move forward in the direction you need to go" ... (moment of silence)... BOOM - mic drop - cue the epiphany!
So my second tip is to fill your mind with TRUTH- don't believe the lies the enemy is trying to put in your head of guilt, shame or unworthiness. Proverbs & Psalms are both great to read during this time! Remember who God says you are; and when you hear Him tell you to move, don't feel guilty for doing so. And if your heart is broken, allow His promises to fill in that gap.
There are so many different stages to a breakup, so many different levels of hurt, many different circumstances and situations; but I think we can all inclusively agree, it's dreadful. BUT it gets better. It always gets better. I'm writing this because the other night a close friend of mine told me she had no idea I had been hurting.. and inside I was like say whaaaaaa?! but as I really reflected on how I portray my life to others, it looks happy. Which I will say, I am writing this from a place and mindset of true contentment- which I only have God to thank for that. However, it took a process for me to get here. Lot's of quiet time, self reflecting and it took me laying it allll down at the altar and allowing God to enter the deepest parts of true self and my heart and restoring that from the inside out. One thing I want you all to learn from my mistake, which is the whole intent of me sharing this story- is that IT'S OKAY TO BE VULNERABLE and to feel whatever emotions you're feeling and to share those with the ones who care about you the most. Despite my own personal beliefs, thats not weakness, in contrary its actually being strong. Allowing your loved ones to help you heal and lift you up can be a beautiful and important thing.Whether you're hurting or you've hurt someone, allow yourself to truly release that from your heart and replace it with restoration.
Listen. Some people are put into your lives but they can only take you so far. Let that sink in. So my last tip to you is to trust in the Lord with all your heart! Too easily we immediately start to doubt God, and His plan and all of his GOODNESS! Not everyone is put into our lives for forever, often, people are in our lives for reasons and seasons. So allow God to open and close the doors that need be and just keep your faith unwavering!
XO- JO
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